It can’t be “apples for apples,” is what Daniel always says to me in response to me telling him: “You didn’t do x, and I’ve done x so many times. What the heck!” I’d say this to Daniel in attempt to seek fairness with household tasks because if I do something, he should do it too. For example, if I am tired of cleaning our floors for the third time, I would become frustrated and ask (or shall I say demand) that Daniel helps out and does them the fourth time. From my perspective, I think it’s fair for him to complete tasks I’ve done and especially if I’ve done them the majority of time. And when I ask, I don’t expect a fight back. However, that’s when his phrase comes into play as I’ve titled this post. His perspective is that although he does want to help, just because I’ve completed a task 3 times does not mean he needs to complete it 3 times, nor 1 time so that it’s “fair.” And so he taught me that fairness in our household doesn’t necessarily mean we each have to equal out on task completions. Rather, it is completing tasks that pull from our strengths (spiritually and physically), our time, intellect, experience, etc. For example, he doesn’t ask or expect me to change the oil just because he has done it… Or become bitter towards me that I don’t go under the house with him to replace old pipes. So from this lesson, in these moments when I am exasperated that he isn’t helping or when he is completing a task I can’t help with, I try to remember this phrase and complete the task on my own or offer him water or something, respectively. I will admit it’s taking me longer to get to this place with caring for Zane and remembering this wise phrase. On default I expect us to contribute equally when possible, but I know it’s not possible because he is working, completes other tasks, I have the milk, and sometimes Zane just wants mommy. Of course this means I get less done and sacrifice more, but I’m learning it just is what it is and as long as we communicate and help where and when we can, that’s the best we can do as a team.
Any thoughts and words if wisdom?