reigniting a dormant dream

I have had this blog for almost five years. It was birth from a small voice from within that never left me. I never had plans to be so transparent and public with my thoughts and feelings. For the first year or so I wrote everyday because I had so much content to download and wanted to uphold the fact that it was a daily blog. I still have loads to write, but once Zane entered the picture, we moved abroad, and Azalea joined us, my desires and realistic expectations of writing frequently do not match up. The fact that I write every 3-4 months makes me feel like a failure many times. Thus, I’ve contemplated on numerous occasions to close down the blog since I write seldom, but a small voice within me always says no. This blog is my ministry. It’s helped me to have a voice, and divinely, it’s encouraged so many others. And so I kept the site online. Finally, with much peace and clarity, I have concluded that I will download the content of my blog and begin a dream I had long ago. I will start writing a book! I have always wanted to be an author and to write content that can encourage others, I know, is part of my purpose. I have no idea what the road ahead entails, but I am excited, inspired, and thankful that a dear friend is embarking on this dream too in her own way. I share this with you so that you can encourage me on this dream and look forward, alongside me, to this dream coming to fruition one day. 

Thanks so much for reading my blog. Xoxo

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i am enough, you are enough, enough is enough 

I never knew that the deep issue I needed to tackle most in my life had to do with self-worth. To be honest with myself and have clarity about this massive area for growth has transformed my life recently. How sad is it to think that just being me isn’t enough?! That in order to feel more worthy, I actively (and unconsciously), strove to do more. I thought working tirelessly day after day to be the best mom, wife, friend, woman, daughter, and more would fulfill this void I never knew existed. 

Sadly, the more women I speak to, the more I discover I’m not alone. It was not until after one of my, “I’m tired of giving, tired of the daily grind,” moments that my friend recommended that I read the book, Present Over Perfect, by Shauna Niequist, that I finally decided to change. Up until that point, I was striving. I was doing things because I thought I “should,” because that’s what a perfect (insert a role from above) ought to do. My heart wasn’t fully invested or if it was, I was not at capacity to do it but still took it on. I had all these unrealistic  ideas and expectations of what I should be doing and should be as a person. Sometimes it was self-imposed, while other times it was the messages I received from others. Man oh man, this way of thinking and living was tiring. But I knew no different. Since I was school-age, I was encouraged and pressured to be an overachiever and productivity made me feel accomplished. That’s how I received recognition, awards, and praise. My worth came from others and not myself or from God, the One who made me, loves me unconditionally, and thinks I’m beautiful just as I am, without any accolades. 

The realization that I can just be me and not strive to prove my worth has consequently created more quiet in my mind and physical space, encourage me to be present, love others more generously, make less judgments, and connect with others and God more deeply. I’ve courageously asked for help where I need it and feel less guilt and actively seek out self-care. I’m teaching our kids that relaxing and doing nothing except enjoy eachothers’ company is enough. As a result, we stay home more and just enjoy our space and play. I’m finding this new way of living is bringing me much happiness and peace. Of course I have moments of regression, but I have to remind myself that I don’t need to prove anything and that God knows me and loves me. That is enough. With that said, this new way of thinking, acting, and loving will be the best start as I enter 2017!

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the two year mark 

In my last job, I noticed after being in my role for nearly two years, I was finally starting to get comfortable. Professionals in the field were starting to call me for educational programs and others sought to collaborate with me. It was a great result after feeling like I had to be on overdrive to get my name out in the field and prove that the work we did was quality and that I was quality. Then I left to go on maternity leave and never returned… 

   I liken that experience to our move here. For two years I was on overdrive; I was trying to make friends, create a community, find a church, support Daniel as he started his own business, have a baby, set up house, and the list goes on. The two years that passed were busy, stressful, and filled with many changes to say the least. It was an emotional rollercoaster that left me questioning when I would feel more like myself again. I was not fully myself and clouded at times with decision making and emotions. We would wonder when we would have a break because it seemed like we were either sick, very stressed, or just missing something or someone. (I know what we went through was normal, but many times we felt alone going through the journey).  Then we reached the two year mark…  and it was as if the clouds parted. I found emotional stability through my new Christian mentor and discovered some areas for growth. I committed to being a better friend to new and old friends.. . focus more on the kiddos knowing time with them is running out before they go to school… found a side job that fulfils me but still puts my family and marriage first… and acted on loving on people more. Although life at home still feels busy, I describe it as “good busy.” I’m not busy for the sake of being busy. My time is spent with intention and each intention makes me very happy. Of course it’s always a work in progress as I am one who gets distracted. :) 

   So I write all this to share that we are in a good and happy place. We feel like we have persevered through the two years of ups and downs with settling and are hoping that we are entering into a more fruitful, mellow season in the years to come. Cheers and thanks be to God that two years have passed! We have so much to be thankful for.  

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