being me in a new place

Hi everyone! Ah, how I miss writing. These days it’s not a matter of having time to blog, but rather energy. For those of you who aren’t kept up to date on my Facebook page, I’m nearly 19 weeks pregnant! I thought I’d have energy in my second trimester, but apparently that isn’t the case when you have an active toddler and need to run a household and active social life, hehe. I’m not complaining, just explaining. ;-) Anyways, we are nearing six months here and I wanted to share how happy and thankful I have been feeling lately. Since finding our church at the beginning of December, life is coming together well. We are making meaningful friendships and a community is starting to be built. I feel loved, appreciated, and cared for. To clarify, not all of our friends are believers, and that’s okay. :-) In addition, I feel like I’m finally getting to be ME in a new place. This means several things. First, I am less dependent on others for answers and guidance with finding my way here. Before, I’d subscribe to what others did or advised because I had no comparison. I went along knowing it wasn’t in line with my standards or preferences. For example, this was the case with buying groceries. I do not prefer big supermarkets that are overpriced with produce that is either not fresh or local. Recently, I went exploring and found an organic meat butcher, a seafood shop that sells local, fresh fish, and a weekly Farmer’s Market. I can’t even describe to you how independent and more like myself I felt once I came across these shops. It was as if a piece of me was back in place. Hooray for quality food! Second, another piece of me came back alive when I got back into cooking meals for others and had opportunities to do thoughtful things for people. To get to serve in a meaningful way again utilizing my gifts made me happy! Lastly, I feel more me as I build a schedule, and thus a life that’s helping me grow, be inspired, and has meaning and purpose. My weeks and weekends are filled with time with our little family, extended family, and friends. We attend church regularly and are getting involved. I try to be intentional with my time with Zane by cooking with him, reading many books, visiting the library, and involving him in life skills. And recently, I’ve joined a weekly mom’s devotional group and a Bethel study group (studying the Old Testament). Both will grow me in knowledge and wisdom. Needless to say, I am busy! But wonderfully busy because there is much down time blocked off for rest.

I can continue on about other life updates, but rather I wanted to focus on the ones that are encouraging me to blossom where God has planted us. I’m thankful I feel this way and it’s only been half a year. I shall bathe in the goodness of life that we are experiencing right now.

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finding my self-worth

It’s amazing to think we have individual worth. When we go to the store, the worth of food and items are displayed for us to see so quickly we can observe how much something is worth, based on the merchant’s opinions or the demand for the item. Unfortunately there is no store for us to visit to find out our individual worth. Instead we can use comparison to others, media’s ideas of what’s normal and good, our status and profession, and others’ opinions of us to create our self-worth. Those were the main avenues I looked to when I was growing up to build my self-worth. The sad part was that it didn’t actually build anything for me, but rather, contributed to formulating a self-worth that was fragile, inadequate, unstable, and inconsistent with who I was and had the potential to become. When I felt others didn’t like me or my circumstances were unfavourable, my self-worth tumbled down low. I’d question who I was, found myself in tears and depression, and questioned my purpose in life. It was a horrible way to live thinking my value was below it’s true worth. I’m writing this today not because I’m in this state of curiosity again, but because I am feeling strongly that everyone needs to know how valuable they are in life. And in doing so, sharing briefly that I found my true self-worth through the unconditional love I found in God. It was not until I had a life changing and saving, late-at-night dialogue with God did I discover how special I was and how He created me to fulfill a unique purpose only I could accomplish. Being told that was enough to keep me living knowing how much worth I had on this earth because God had tasked me with a job! As I’ve gotten older and matured in my faith and as a woman, I am reminded that I have a Heavenly Father who delights in me. He calls me His bride and created me perfectly just the way I am. I’m imperfectly perfect. Of course the world and its people in it tear me down occasionally and often I feel judged and misunderstood, but then I go to my Creator and I am enveloped with His love and reminded of my true worth in Christ. My worth remains stable through Him because He never changes and I never need to prove anything to Him. This beautiful discovery gets me every time.

If you have self-worth issues or just needed this reminder, please remember the One who created you loves you dearly, knows you intimately, and smiles at you. When everyone disappoints you and the world cannot fill the void you are desperately trying to fill, please turn to Him. You’ll never regret it. I know I’m the woman I am thanks to His love.

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Posted in Personal Growth | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

I still use my brain as a stay-at-home mom

I remember when I first became a mom, I strongly desired going back to work to “use my brain,” and to have “adult conversations.” I felt home bound a lot due to breastfeeding, naps or a sick baby and thought my new life was void of the conversations and intellectual simulations I needed to grow and feel important. Zane is now two and as I reflect now on the aforementioned beliefs and even hearing new moms say it following their update that they’ve returned to work, I realize how close-minded I was with this thinking. Daily, my brain is overworked to the point that it needs to check out. Do I feel dumb because I spend most of my time with a toddler? Heck no! I feel smarter than ever with my refined problem-solving, planning, and negotiating skills, along with all the parenting knowledge I’ve read. I never stop thinking; there’s meal planning, injuries, discipline, taking care of my husband, sleep training, potty training, self-care, swim lessons, etc. The list is endless! Further, I have enough thought-provoking, meaningful adult conversations that sometimes I need a break from meeting up socially with anyone. How did this become the case? As tiring as it is staying at home with Zane, and future kids, I’ve appreciated the fact that I get to create what our life looks like on a micro- and macro-level. In other words, I get to choose what our days look like and overall, what teachings, value, beliefs, etc. I want Zane to grow up with through my guidance while staying home. How does this look like for us? Well… I’m not a routine, habitual person so therefore my rule of thumb is, as long as Zane naps, plays, eats, and is clean, his needs are met. It does not need to be at the same time exactly everyday. Of course I get hung up on how long his nap is, or how many he had, or the quality of food he consumed, but overall, I’m pretty flexible. Therefore, I have cultivated a flexible life for us that includes daily play dates or meet ups with my childless friends. Most of the time he gets to play, and sometimes he just has to make do with what’s around if we aren’t at a park or around toys. It is during these social occasions that my need for adult conversations has been met and exceeded. Namely it is because I handpick my social meet ups and each person fulfills a different need I have. But best of all- I get to build relationships and be present for someone. Put together, I never feel like I’m missing something that work would fulfill.

I’m thankful for the life I have as a stay-at-home mom, even when the days are rough. I wouldn’t do a thorough job serving my family and especially other people (by way of being there for them) if I had to juggle work outside the home as well. This is what works for me/us. I know everyone’s situation and feelings vary.

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Posted in Communication, Friendship, Motherhood | 2 Comments